Thoughts on me, myself and I, from non-novelist and non-screenwriter not Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez
Saturday, September 08, 2007
I Love You Phillip Michaels, Will You Review My Movie?
I love Elephant Butte movie critic Phillip Michaels more than I love cold, salt pork (you know what I mean, bitches) in the summer - which is to say, I besito him like loco. He's a brilliant, spectacular, sexy, attractive, intelligent, super-guapo, high-performance (though I can't say that for sure), gorgeous, film-star of a man whom I used to work with till he moved to a new paper in Elephant Butte. I didn't know him well enough to lambaste him in my famous resignation letter, mainly because he didn't have the time of day for me and usually scurried into the next room whenever I unleashed my loud tantrums, missing their historic significance. But that's why I think he can be of fucking use to me right now.
Phillip Michaels, hmmm, I remember Googling him when I was bored at my desk and didn't have anyone to fight with on those off days. I Googled him when I wasn't spatting with the copy desk over some goddamn coffee pot on a desk that gave me (perfectly understandable) morning sickness and itchy hives and the rightwing plot that was really behind it.
And I remember sort of straining to listen to Phillip interview celebrities on the phone. He was so sensitive, so New Age, such a guy. His sheer intelligence. Did I tell you he was intelligent? On top of that, he was also so sweet, so kind, as I vaguely recall. A malleable man, to my advantage.... but I'll get to that in a moment.
Very thoughtful, compassionate - an evolved man in a world of goddamn Miami Cuban Nazis. Now at his new paper, Phillip continues to be one of the most intelligent, most informed voices in all journalism, aware, as few are anymore, of the master science, sociology, and the Jon Carry nuances of American culture.
That brings us to the real reason I'm flattering the fuck. He gave me an idea from his new review of the film "Latin Thugs In Love." Where most other reviewers are saying simpleton things about this record-breaking masterpiece, like, "It's a movie for Hispanics because it's full of Mexican thugs," I want to point out that Phillips nails the more subtle truths: It's a multi-ethnic film and never mind that Latinos are one ethnicity united by common cultural, linguistic and religious traits, yet many nationalities, let's just say it's multi-ethnic anyway. And it represents the "real" Los Angeles instead of the plastic-boobs J-Lo part of LA I frequented, (oops, sorry, J-Lo, been trying to suck up to you too!) This new movie, Phillip said, was down there with Mi Gente, so that makes it more 'authentic.' With the people. Down and dirty. And I am the Dirty Queen.
You continue to impress me, Senor Michaels. Besos. And now that I've flattered the shit out of you and softened you up, you nonentity who never gave me the time of day when we worked together, I'd like to take the opportunity to tell you about my new movie, 'Dirty Chicas' which I'm going to need good reviews for because it's dropping like a stone otherwise.
(Girls, it helps to flatter these fuckheads before I need them so I can get what I want.)
What say, Phillip? You gonna write something good about my film in the name of Latinidad or do I have to prooffer to you one of my fucking tantrums you weaseled out of right under my nose back when we worked in the same building? Out with it!
This is not a blog written by Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez, the best selling author. It's written by "not Alisa", who is most definitely not a best selling author. In fact the only loyal reader this blog has is Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez, the best-selling author. What's this about? It's a parody silly. And it's satire. The two are not mutually exclusive.