Monday, September 03, 2007

Rage Against The Spellcheck Machine

Girls,

I have a relationship with the spellcheck machine on my computer. I commune with it, because I can't get anyone else to talk to me. Of course, there is my jellyfish babydaddy, who speaks on command for me, but that doesn't count. So I must argue with my spellcheck and as in any conversation with me, I win, because it eventually all boils down to fucking racism. Spellcheck machines are created by white males and that's proof they are motivated by racism and have no sensitivity to the cultural value of the many Spanish words I insert (ooh, sexy!!) into my novels.

Just take a look at what the spellcheck did when I ran my latest oeuvre through spellcheck with its many Spanish words. Mira how racist and insensitive and incompetent it showed itself to be against my Chica culture. For every Spanish word I wrote, it gave me an outrageous suggestion. Here's what happened:

My Spanish word - The spellcheck's racist, insensitive suggestion

fuck - fake
shit - shag
dickhead - ditchwater
cum - communist
asshole - ashcan of history
cunt - coño
piss - miss
snatch - sandwich
penis - perverse
teakettle - tearoom trade
spooge - spittle
porn - proud
pork - pride
labia - lesbian
gspot - glitz
threesome - tiresome
hooker - yo mama
swingers - god you're vulgar, how long do you expect a spellchecker to put up with this toilet talk?

You see? It talks to me! The goddamn racist spellcheck has a demonstrated hostility toward Spanish and Latina culture! These results are proof. This is persecution! This violates my freedom of speech! I'm going to launch a class action lawsuit to force all of those charming Spanish words I use all the time into the English language dictionaries, mi'jas. And after that, spellcheck will have no choice. I will have won. Spellcheck will even have to acknowledge that I, The Reina Dirty, introduced these common Latina table talk words into the racist culture. (Take that, Cindysleysis!) And everyone damn well better change to my specifications as I fucking define it. Or else.

La Lucha Continua, chicas,
Not Alisa

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

so glad you're back!

anonymous said...

i bet you are.

Anonymous said...

You're both insane. But only one of you is truly brilliant. The other one is truly frightening. This is fun to watch. I didn't even know it existed until someone really frightening called it to my attention.

not alisa said...

annonymous, your my only fan. thanks for the support.

not alissa. and definately not alisa.