Bill Richardson got together with dad and asked me to infiltrate the one presidential campaign keen on re-establishing ties with my Uncle Fidel and offering Bill the vp slot. For me, that was a fucking no-brainer, because nobody's more malleable, more naive, nor bigger clay in my hands than Barack Hussein Obama. I figure I can browbeat him into giving Bill the slot, but as for Fidel, the work does itself. That's because Barry already wants to drink coca tea with the bearded hero of revolution right in the White House. (If it happens, I get the Oval Office love seat, not only because I'm looking for love but because I get two seats the better to park my fat ass.) It's a task that does itself.
But nothing is a simple as that. Why, bitches? Because of all the racism. Obama's people wouldn't give my people the time of day! I called them and called them, offerig up my magnificent credentials as the one true voice of Latinidad who could fer sure deliver up the Latina dirty chica vote better than even Bill can. And what do you think they said to that? Take a slot on the phone bank!
That's right, here, I, the Reina Dirty, the most influential Latina of all time according to Time magazine, the New York Times bestselling author, the sought-after lecture-tour speaker and self-nominated nominee for the Pulitzer Prize, was rejected by the Obama campaign for special guest star appearances at Obama rallies, which is what was in this whole caper for me. They told me my services of this kind wouldn't be needed but I was welcome to push a broom. Can you believe these fuckers?
It's racism! Racism. Think it was a coincidence, girls, that Oprah Winfrey, that fat hog, is Obama's best campaigner? I think there's a link between the Obama connection and Oprah and me being shut out from the Obama campaign. There has to be, it's a real conspiracy because we all know that Oprah hates Latinos because she didn't have the time of day for my masterpiece on J-Lo.
Racist, girls, racist! You think they know how to google? You think they read my famous resignation letter calling my Obama-voting liberal bosses genocidal maniac racists? If they did, they'd take my side!
You think they heard about my screeching match with that frightful Scottissuedale real estate woman whose racism I called her on? If they did, they'd take me in a minute because I am the open-minded portrait of class.
You think it was them reading my Usnavys blog advertised on my site, describing how black women are piggishlyy fat and vulgar and put big cadillacs up on their sites and obsess about nothing but sex same as the hip hop music says and love public hair in their teeth? Of course not, blacks love to be portrayed that way! Especially when sensitive whites (like moi) do it!
You think it was all my charges against Oprah being racist for not advertising my book? Of course not, those were to help Oprah become sensitive with Latinos and the Obama campaign would be amazingly graced to have me doing the same with them.
What's wrong with these people! Bill Richardson isn't going to let me in his office and my dad is going to kill me and Uncle Fidel is going to kick my ass next time he sees me. Girls, it's not right. Obama should be embracing me as his running mate and he's not!
I'm going to expose this, writing my 1291st op-ed to the Los Angeles Times and New York Time about it! This time, it's gonna make print!
smooches (except to Patrick),