tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-262786822011-04-21T20:39:17.851-07:00Thoughts on me, myself and I, from non-novelist and non-screenwriter not Alisa Valdes-Rodrigueznot Alisanoreply@blogger.comBlogger791100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-58337661644687186962008-09-29T18:26:00.000-07:002008-10-03T23:15:28.895-07:00

I moved out here to Tempe to start a new life near a real city, you know with a Starbucks on every corner, and I bought a half-million dollar house in a great subdivision. I put a couple of bucks down and signed up for an Adjustable Rate Mortgage (ARM). Now I know why they call it an ARM, it's like getting fisted up to the elbow without any lube when the teaser rate ends and the prime rate

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-54591559080195609392008-02-19T18:38:00.000-08:002008-02-24T01:24:24.872-08:00

Girls, isn't he dreamy? I posted one of the young pictures so you can appreciate him to the maximum. Virile. Youthful. Mansize. So masculine and hairy, like my Usnavys and every bit the man I wish I could attract instead of the spineless jellyfish I always end up with, hairless types. So regardless of what the oppressive Miami Cuban party line is, and all the polite thought I must put out, in

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-12547512503219176342008-02-07T20:31:00.000-08:002008-02-07T20:53:55.226-08:00

Girls,Bill Richardson got together with dad and asked me to infiltrate the one presidential campaign keen on re-establishing ties with my Uncle Fidel and offering Bill the vp slot. For me, that was a fucking no-brainer, because nobody's more malleable, more naive, nor bigger clay in my hands than Barack Hussein Obama. I figure I can browbeat him into giving Bill the slot, but as for Fidel, the

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-430296011878162382007-09-09T21:58:00.000-07:002007-09-09T22:20:11.759-07:00

Girls,I can't believe how stupid the mainstream establishment media are. I'm getting a new column or blog, with either Yahoo! or a major media outlet. Count on me to go for the the more prestigious media one, I can demogogue more as a "deep" thinker (I told you I was "deep" didn't I?) ... or maybe I'll just go for the bloggy one that pays more so I can spend more on Starbucks trips at the mall.

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-18113833495089021262007-09-08T17:44:00.001-07:002007-09-08T18:38:19.640-07:00

Girls,I love Elephant Butte movie critic Phillip Michaels more than I love cold, salt pork (you know what I mean, bitches) in the summer - which is to say, I besito him like loco. He's a brilliant, spectacular, sexy, attractive, intelligent, super-guapo, high-performance (though I can't say that for sure), gorgeous, film-star of a man whom I used to work with till he moved to a new paper in

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-35791355738369962502007-09-07T23:10:00.000-07:002007-09-07T23:30:19.022-07:00

Girls,When I was a little girl, I used to sit on daddy's lap before bedtime and instead of having to listen to insipid fucking rightwing Miami Cuban propaganda, like The Three Bears, my dad read me the Collected Writings Of Noam Chomsky each night. It's how I got smart.Smart enough for Chicana cholas to want to torment me, that's for fucking sure.Well you wouldn't believe who else reads Chomsky

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-63810230330693869282007-09-03T19:56:00.001-07:002007-09-03T20:40:28.055-07:00

Girls,I have a relationship with the spellcheck machine on my computer. I commune with it, because I can't get anyone else to talk to me. Of course, there is my jellyfish babydaddy, who speaks on command for me, but that doesn't count. So I must argue with my spellcheck and as in any conversation with me, I win, because it eventually all boils down to fucking racism. Spellcheck machines are

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-90865327325665699932007-09-03T07:40:00.000-07:002007-09-03T08:53:44.151-07:00

Girls,As a little girl, I always wanted to be just like my dad's dear old friend, Saul Landow. You remember him, don't you? The one who extended to me his comradely greetings when I was in Alameda, California on my book tour? I fucking love him. He taught me how to play Marxist Monopoly right under the family Christmas tree (which some years had a little Che on top instead of a red star) back

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-84939634181564754892007-09-03T00:06:00.000-07:002007-09-03T08:55:36.047-07:00

Girls,I've been busy, so don't bug me, coño, for not writing. Now I'm writing, is that enough for you?Something that really put the fly in my sprout and carrot salad wrap is this new TV series Cane. Don't get me wrong. I'm really happy Cindysleysis Citre, or whatever her name is got the contract for the TV series about a wealthy Cuban family. Really I am. (How much do you think she made off her

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-16912268346817321572007-07-26T23:16:00.000-07:002007-07-26T23:19:26.781-07:00

Jane Austen would like porn. I know she would. All chicas like porn, especially the grandmothers and cosas like that.One more reason to say that were she alive, she'd write foul-mouthed chick lit, same as me.Byyeeeeee!!!Not Alisa

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-104232688279365812007-07-22T22:44:00.001-07:002007-07-22T23:41:37.132-07:00

Girls,Sorry I've been out so fucking long, I've been busy, taking back my man, getting my kid thrown out of school, getting myself thrown out of that goddam racist Scottsdale writing club before I even left Albuquerque and moving to Phoenix. Which I hate because it's full of goddam Mexicans and just as bad, goddam whites. I hate 'em all.Anyway, I wanted to bring to your attention that Jane Austen

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1167953167565548332007-01-04T15:05:00.000-08:002007-01-29T13:41:46.853-08:00

Girls,Happy Nuevo Año! Thank god December’s over! Especially that goddamned Christmas. I can’t stand Christmas.First of all, I couldn’t buy any of the gidts that I wanted to buy, so that made it suck donkey balls. I’m not talking money of course, girls, you know about my six figures, don’t you? I know you know about my six figure new book advance biotch!No, I went over to Target (because I never

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1165894168934103542006-12-11T19:24:00.000-08:002007-01-01T22:26:41.653-08:00

Man, I abandoned that piece of shit myspace blog because it totally sucks donkey dick and so I come back over here to blogger and what happens? They totally fuck everything up. For two days the blog was completely down. I tried contacting the those fuckheads at google and telling them that I'm not Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez, the best selling author and one of Time Magazine's 25 most influential

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1165889288821712282006-12-11T18:05:00.000-08:002006-12-11T18:08:08.846-08:00

I just finished writing my December Letter. Notice that I don't use the word 'Christmas' and especially not 'Nocha Buena' which is a goddamned Miami Cuban Nazi notion. This way Dad's friend, Saul Landau, won't think I'm going Bush on him. The more pagan 'December' is much much better!Anyway, since I wanted to MAKE SURE you read it, I went through the trouble of copying it from my regular web site

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1164076371919570992006-11-20T18:27:00.001-08:002006-11-22T19:44:47.610-08:00

Girls, I’ve finally decided to stop being a victim and take control of my life. Sometimes you have to look long and hard in the mirror and then take the bull by the horns. So I’ve resolved to do just that. Here’s what I’m doing:1. Lagging book sales and bad reader reviews: Well, who says they are all bad? In fact there’s some very positive reviews popping on the Barnes & Noble web site as

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1163635920744872392006-11-15T15:51:00.000-08:002006-11-16T15:38:39.756-08:00

The elephants over at the Nazi Republican are trying to pull a fast one on Latinos by naming Mel Martinez their chairman. They think they can win over the votes of all these dumb, Guadalupe-worshipping Mexicans by having a guy named Martinez in charge. Pretty smart, but guess what, the Reina Dirty is smarter.I'm going to smear Martinez everywhere I go. You see Martinez is a moderate to liberal

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1163457152419482882006-11-13T14:20:00.000-08:002006-11-22T19:38:56.316-08:00

Sorry for the light blogging lately, ladies. As you can probably guess, someone as famous and important as me has more important things to do than keep you entertained with my wisdom for free. But I thought you should know that I'm very close to finding that creepy psycho blog stalker who has taken it upon himself to ridicule everything I say. We all know that anyone that hates me must have a

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1162350223745738792006-10-31T18:48:00.000-08:002006-10-31T20:30:45.613-08:00

I'm fuming right now, I mean smoke is literally coming out of my ears. One of the sychophants on my yahoo group (I call them the CDR) tipped me off to the fact that a bunch of snot-nosed punks from Aliso Niguel High School (the real school I set my latest piece of shit novel in) are writing a bunch of really negative reviews at BarnesandNoble.com. Can't they understand that those reviews affect

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1161968544689340852006-10-27T09:24:00.000-07:002006-10-27T10:02:24.786-07:00

Wow, I can't get this crazy psycho school teacher to leave me alone. As you all know my latest book, Hooters, is out and getting great reviews from my sycophant friends in the literary world but it's still way down in the ratings. Even worse than my last piece of shit. Well Hooters is set in Orange County and I chose to set it at a real high school. One of the teachers in the novel is Mr. Big

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1161117215219056152006-10-17T13:22:00.000-07:002006-10-23T20:15:30.116-07:00

OMFG! I was just browsing a copy of October issue of Hispanic Business magazine at my local independent bookseller (I can't stand those corporate book super stores even though I need those bastards). The issue features the top 100 Hispanic influentials and I can't fucking believe they left me off the list. Adding insult to injury the had another fiction author on there. Some bitch by the name

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1161114953393429282006-10-17T12:33:00.000-07:002006-11-22T14:36:42.893-08:00

Girls,You can quit sending me your fucking emails because I'm busy busy busy with more important shit. Like what, you might ask.Well how about running two blogs, since you bitches ended up hating myspace like the plague. I had to come back over here to blogger even though it's so yesterday. The worst part is that some cybersquatter took all of the blog names that I wanted, including my old one.

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1160331433367637452006-10-08T11:01:00.000-07:002006-10-13T06:32:35.456-07:00

Sorry I haven't had time to post but I've been so busy lately. First off I'm in love (or at least I'm in love with the idea of being love so I'm dating some poor schmuck that doesn't know what he's in for).Also I had to go out and start the second leg of "the great book-whore tour" to promote my latest piece of shit called "Haters". The last book did so bad that my publisher wants me hustle

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1157957407843036742006-09-10T23:41:00.000-07:002006-09-18T16:35:24.246-07:00

You know part of the problem with being manic depressive is that sometimes you realize what you did during one of your bad phases and really, really regret it. That's why I have to take down my blog periodically and write long letters of apology all the time. Well I just realized that I have killed any chance of having a friendship with Jennifer Lopez. Man, I even wrote a novel about her (

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com25tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1157257138116104002006-09-02T21:11:00.000-07:002006-09-09T16:56:47.376-07:00

I never understood why men enjoy sports so much. What's this obsession with "winning"? It sounds like an excuse for homoerotic behavior if you ask me. Have you seen when the coaches pat the players on their cute asses? Like I said it's either a pretext for latent homosexuality or some Neanderthal instinct. Well, no man is going hit me with a club and carry me back to his cave to watch ESPN

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1156997453001145152006-08-30T21:05:00.000-07:002006-09-07T19:27:01.376-07:00

Girls,I am spitting mad! There's a new poll out about The Most Influential Latinos and I, the Reina Dirty, one of Time Magazine's 25 most influential Latinas, am not even on the list to choose from! This is an insult, it's a cold slap in the face. This doesn't make sense at all, and I am going to get my attorney on the phone right now so I can sue these bastards! I bet they didn't write a new

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1156914313547217782006-08-29T22:00:00.000-07:002006-08-31T08:10:53.333-07:00

I'd be gay with my "friend" Heather from myspace. Her picture is so hot! Not like all the other chubbies that are my readers and "friends" And judging by her picture, she's a drinker too, I bet I could feed her a few pops and then blow in her ear, it wouldn't be long before we'd be sweating it up at my place (or hers).Not a lesbian Alisa.

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1156818580955848272006-08-28T19:07:00.000-07:002006-08-29T09:10:10.056-07:00

Well besides Cuba, North Korea, and Iran is Brazil. You know they are completely energy self sufficient. They are such forward-thinkers down there. Why couldn't we just follow their model in using sugar cane to make ethanol? All it took was 20 years of military dictatorship and tens of billions of dollars in subsidies for them to do it. I know, I know they use a lot of locally produced

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1156564908066656872006-08-25T20:33:00.000-07:002006-08-26T14:53:56.173-07:00

You know what really pisses me off is when those Miami stalker parody bloggers say I love Fidel Castro. They are so obviously full of shit. If they bothered to do a little research on me they'd know that I have denounced Cuba in a column I wrote when I went there for a music festival. My criticism of the atrocities of the Castro regime was scathing and that's why I was told I'd never be

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1156473146118682122006-08-24T19:23:00.000-07:002006-08-31T13:16:13.700-07:00

Since I'm always trying to be trendy and since I'm fine tuning the garbage I write for teens, that are even more gullible and insecure than the emotional wrecks that read my old work, I'm going to be moving to myspace in the near future. After all there's no better way for a 37 year old woman to feel young again than to write on a web site designed for 13 year old girls and the pedophiles that

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1156354062325222702006-08-23T10:10:00.000-07:002006-08-27T15:45:23.143-07:00

Yes I kept MY second Lexus. Never mind that greenie shit, I need to show that lousy ex-husband of mine that I have multiple cars to give him something to think about on the fucking Elephant Butte bus.I yanked his purple fuzzy dice down from the back window and drove that thing over to my meeting with Bill Richardson, the governor of New Mexico (because I'm important). I think I'm entitled to the

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1156208282602651942006-08-21T17:49:00.000-07:002006-08-28T19:40:00.660-07:00

I just wanted to take a minute to thank my attorney (well actually he's a law student) who goes by the name of John Longfellow (I bet he is a long fellow, giggle). He has really been quite a comfort to me these days since that damned psycho Miami stalker started satirizing me on his "parody blog." And Long John's ex-girlfriend, a local prosecutor in Chicago, also has some great ideas about how I

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1156125578035481382006-08-20T18:54:00.000-07:002006-08-21T22:12:14.660-07:00

so is my dad, my son and hell, even my ex-husband.We're all gifted. Everyone else is just jealous of our giftedness. That's why I have tantrums and can't relate to "normal" people. That's why those people don't understand me. Yes it's their job to understand me because, well because I'm special dammit! Can't you see that? I'm important with a capital "I"!Not the very gifted Alisa

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1155963571931458692006-08-18T21:44:00.000-07:002006-08-18T21:59:31.936-07:00

Why can't people just like the things that I like? Why can't they blog about the things that I'm interested in? Why must they be obsessed with things I don't care about? Why can't they be passionate about what I'm passionate about?I guess they just aren't as gifted as I am. Only a truly gifted person like me can worry about all of the injustice in the world equally (note to self: get off my

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1155909821258818292006-08-18T07:02:00.000-07:002006-08-18T13:46:28.160-07:00

Hate me because I'm perfectionistic [sic]Definitely NOT Alisa

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1155878461502465362006-08-17T22:14:00.000-07:002006-08-17T22:21:01.503-07:00

I'm not crazyI'm just a bit Giftedright now you think I'm twistedBut stay awhile and then you'll see a different side of me.Definitely NOT by Matchbox 2o

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1155762240540772152006-08-16T13:56:00.000-07:002006-08-17T22:25:21.780-07:00

I really enjoy tracking which cities and countries all my chicas are visiting me from. I have a regular reader from Stoke-on-Trent in the UK (what a cool name, by the way) and another from Chile (a country I really want to visit). But my fan club really is in Albuquerque. I must get 10 or 15 hits from there a day. Hugs,Definitely, Absolutely, Not Alisa ©

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1155603870476886592006-08-14T17:58:00.000-07:002006-08-18T13:47:45.380-07:00

is making me look bad! I was just looking at my Amazon rankings. 109,000 ouch! Boy I really mailed it in when I wrote that last piece of shit and you chicas were too smart to bite. I guess you're not as fucking stupid as I thought. Guess what though, I'm laughing all the way to the bank with that advance my publisher gave me. I'm not looking forward to writing the next book. I'm actually

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1155361431912212352006-08-11T22:33:00.000-07:002006-08-13T11:56:31.106-07:00

I just wanted to take a few minutes to wish my Uncle Fidel a happy 80th birthday. I was speaking to Cindy Sheehan tonight and she sends you her best too. Daddy has been really depressed since you got sick and all those psychos in Miami started celebrating. I really don't like Uncle Raul too much, especially since he fondled me that time he was drunk (when isn't he?)So get well soon and show

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1155060416995667522006-08-08T10:44:00.000-07:002006-08-14T21:49:27.800-07:00

I have hired a lawyer to help me in a slander/libel case against that narcissistic, possibly psychotic male blogger in Florida who has decided to create a "parody" blog of my own blog. It seems he is stalking not just me, but some of you, leaving messages on your blogs trying to attract attention to his blog, pretending to be me.But unfortunately this lawyer seems to think I have no case. He

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1154993253708321002006-08-07T16:20:00.000-07:002006-08-11T15:10:30.083-07:00

Hey Chicas,Just wanted to let you know that I pulled the plug on my Ireland trip. I just had a horrible vision of an extended transatlantic flight with a snotty 5-year old in tow. Besides nothing in Ireland is appealing to me. I mean what am I going to do, down a few pints of Guinness with a fine Irish lad and then where am I going to take him? To my room, so the kid can wonder who the hell

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1154537354384792022006-08-02T09:37:00.000-07:002006-08-06T18:36:02.643-07:00

I just want to make a "shout out" to all the sucia on my yahoo group who were defending me against the forces of parody. I mean anyone who would parody me, best selling author Alisa Lynn Valdes (formerly Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez) and one of Time Magazine's 25 most influential Hispanics must have issues of his/her own.I don't think this parody of my life is funny at all. You know what I really

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1154383119629751942006-07-31T14:47:00.000-07:002006-08-04T12:43:56.256-07:00

Sometimes I sit around and wonder what the world would be like if those dirty Republican Nazis hadn't stolen the 2000 presidential election.Gas prices wouldn't be $3.00 a gallon, they'd be $8.00 or $9.00 because of the taxes my man Al Gore would have raised in order to MAKE people stop driving and start riding the bus.The U.S. would be the only country in the world living up to the Kyoto treaty

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1154317567557108122006-07-30T20:43:00.000-07:002006-07-30T20:46:07.566-07:00

Goddammit! I just realized that all that TRUE shit they wrote about me in the wikipedia will be forever on the internet on the page history. There's nothing I can do to get rid of it. Well I'll just have to sue those wiki-jackasses too. Arrgh!

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1154315576411757262006-07-30T20:08:00.000-07:002006-07-31T15:00:20.240-07:00

Seems to be located in Albuquerque. 6 or 7 hits in the last 24 hours alone. My aren't we narcissistic?

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1154299549466347152006-07-30T15:36:00.000-07:002006-07-30T20:13:45.763-07:00

Some bitch or bastard is constantly changing my wikipedia entry. I can't have people knowing the TRUTH about my life. It might be bad for book sales. Well I changed it back. And I'll keep changing it. I swear I'm gonna check that Wikipedia page every day even two or three times a day if that's what it takes to keep the gory details of my life private. Nobody needs to know about my

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1154119098070146602006-07-28T13:33:00.000-07:002006-07-31T20:12:45.780-07:00

After a couple of weeks without allowing comments on this blog I realized that I couldn't live without the adulation so I decided to reinstate the comments function. It's so worth it for me to hear all of you parroting back my statements, even if I have to read some nasty comments (which I never publish) from those dirty Miami Cubans and even if I have to read my Dad's long winded blowhard

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1153512173917630002006-07-21T12:31:00.000-07:002006-08-03T11:03:36.730-07:00

Let me tell you the story of my no-good, leech of a soon to be ex-husband. That son of a bitch has been holding court with some flies at the Satellite Cafe, pretending to be a writer - and his nights at local nightclubs, pretending to be a 19-year-old on spring break. Can you believe the nerve of that bastard? Cruising around in my Lexus, wearing the expensive sunglasses he bought with my money

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1153280375965838292006-07-18T20:27:00.000-07:002006-07-21T13:08:21.966-07:00

Maybe I was just a little hasty in removing the comment function from this blog. It's just that these nazi Cuban-American types keep harrassing me. Now they are all out there defending Israel, puke. As far as I'm concerned the only contributions the Jews have made are in the deli arena. But I much prefer good old middle-eastern hummus. Anyway I removed the comments and I don't really regret

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1153167930197965162006-07-17T13:22:00.000-07:002006-07-17T13:25:30.206-07:00

That's it! I've had it. No more comments on this blog. That nasty bitch or bastard that started a parody of my blog keeps leaving comments on my posts. Not that they ever see the light of day because I'm so thinned skinned, but I don't want to even have to look at them anymore. I'm gonna find out who this person is and sue them for mental cruelty. I'm sure it's a bushie.

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1153031664403845892006-07-15T23:25:00.000-07:002006-07-17T13:09:42.763-07:00

It's true George W. Bush is secretly training our armed forces to be murdering rapists and he's doing it under the White House of all places. I'm kidding about that last part, but I mean everyone knows the president is personally responsible for what every man and woman in uniform does (really every Federal employee too). So I lay the blame for every unsavory incident that ever occurs under his

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1152413292367201102006-07-05T19:44:00.000-07:002006-07-16T22:08:09.256-07:00

Uh, dudes? The fourth (cough, cough!) is over. You can now stop blowing up the goddam bottle rockets, firecrackers, Catherine wheels, sparklers, cherry bombs, and the rest of that shit you get in hellholes I'd never set foot in, like Nogales. I'm sure there's something on TV you would like to watch. If not, then just ask my fucking Guadalupe-worshipping maid who'll know.Can you believe these

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1151371482464625532006-06-26T18:03:00.000-07:002006-07-01T07:40:48.156-07:00

Look at this shit I get in the mail:"Oh Alisa, I am not Hispanic but your books were the first Hispanic ones I ever read and I never knew we had so much in common and I love your books so much."First of all, the bitch is lying because my books aren't loved by anyone and my lousy five-digit Amazon ratings prove it. She must want something from me.My response:Listen up you phony bitch, get your

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1150947374789795182006-06-21T20:35:00.000-07:002006-06-21T20:36:14.790-07:00

Nelson!

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1150752949672541262006-06-19T14:33:00.000-07:002006-06-26T17:52:46.866-07:00

Who the fuck is this prick, to call my work a pandemic?Well, we'll see what's what. I have a feeling that there's going to be a character in my next book very similar to one Russell Contreras.Not Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1150240823812583912006-06-13T16:14:00.000-07:002006-06-18T22:11:19.213-07:00

Hi Chicas,I'm sorry I haven't been posting lately. I took some time off because those jackasses that created a parody of my blog really got under my skin. So in a fit of rage I took down my whole blog and decided to stop blogging. I mean why would any of you losers buy the cow if you could get the milk for free?But after a while I calmed down and and my publicist convinced me that the best

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1148046399190314802006-05-19T06:38:00.000-07:002006-06-09T10:40:22.596-07:00

Hey chicas,As you know I'm in Miami Beach for my Chica-lit festival. There's one problem though. My little weekend of festivities coincides with some lame ass event called Cuba Nostalgia. Now THAT audience and mine share nothing in common. They are a bunch of right wing Nazis who wish they had a Batista type in power today instead of the Maximum Leader, Fidel Castro and my Chicas are

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1147589890792970832006-05-13T23:10:00.000-07:002006-05-17T20:00:44.163-07:00

Girls, I'm finally back after the 10,000 mile Book Whore Tour! Ten thousand miles and I'm still in quadruple digits on Amazon. That's not my fault, it's yours! I write, you buy. Can you get that through your fat fucking skulls?If you expect me, the Reina Dirty, to keep writing trashy novels like "Make Him Feel Good" for you, you damn well better get me out of the rankings basement! I can't say

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1147581000425425542006-05-13T20:57:00.000-07:002006-05-14T21:01:00.973-07:00

I've just discovered that some bitch or bastard has created an exact duplicate of my blog and is calling it a parody. It's not funny. It's just stupid. They are even using a photo of Carnie Wilson as if it were me. What's that supposed to mean? Why would they want to lampoon me anyway. I mean there's no reason to target me.For instance, just because: I am a shameless self promoter. I

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1147402202992752832006-05-11T19:49:00.000-07:002006-05-11T20:18:48.803-07:00

Women authors need to stick together! What's a little plagiarism, between friends? Such an ugly word, and it's nothing but a white man's term to keep a strong women down.That's what's happening right now with this CRUCIFIXION of a poor Harvard-American teen-sensation novelist who lifted passages from two other other chick lit novels to sell her her own horseshit books. It's a travesty.In our

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1147148650035558012006-05-08T21:03:00.000-07:002006-05-10T14:06:48.233-07:00

Girls, I'm going out so while I'm putting my lipstick on (Chanel Pink Trivia, $32.99), I want to remind you again that this country was founded on fucking genocide. That's right, I was reading The Communist Manifesto last night in my five-star hotel and it reminded me to keep getting the message out there.The United States is an imperialist nation founded on genocide, built on slavery, and

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1147045771417594252006-05-07T16:46:00.000-07:002006-05-07T16:49:31.450-07:00

about me in the San Francisco Chronicle I can't believe they bought that bullshit I invented about security threats. Truth is there were only "cuatro gatos" at my reading in Miami. That's because of those fuckfaces at the Herald of course, but I really just like having hunky men in police uniforms around me. Yummy.Buy my book bitches, it's backsliding on Amazon.

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1146790691376296642006-05-04T17:46:00.000-07:002006-05-04T17:58:11.383-07:00

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!I just got a google news alert on myself (I have to keep track of what people are saying about me, you know) and I ran across this blurb in the Houston Chronicle. I've got some big problems with this. First of all with my agent for booking this gig. The Edward James Olmos Latino Book and Family Festival! You have to be kidding me. Why the hell would they ever name a

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1146453920874518702006-04-30T20:14:00.000-07:002006-04-30T20:28:36.103-07:00

So I'm in LA for the LA Times Festival of Books. For those of you who aren't familiar with my history, I worked for the LA times before I had a huge meltdown and wrote a 3,400-word resignation letter where I basically blasted my employers and my colleagues and proved once and for all that I'm the craziest bitch that ever was.Oh how the world has changed since I was the journalism pariah. Now as

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1146377957339292982006-04-28T16:44:00.000-07:002006-04-29T23:49:32.490-07:00

Hola, Chicas! So now I'm in San Francisco. I LOVE the San Francisco Board of Supervisors but more on that later. I've got a book reading at Cody's on Stockton and after that, am heading up to Fisherman's Wharf for a taste of San Francisco. But you wouldn't believe what a gauntlet I had to run to get there!Coming out of the airport, I had to drive through onethe scummiest neighborhoods, full of

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1146173322444621922006-04-27T13:54:00.000-07:002006-08-02T16:55:11.783-07:00

So I'm on the midwest leg of the "Book Whore Tour" or "Whore-a-Palooza", as I sometimes refer to it, and I have to tell you about my short flight from Chicago to Milwaukee. I got seated between two enormous women.Now you all know I don't hate fat people, because I can tell from your pictures that most of you are butterballs in your ownright. But on this fucking flight, I got seated between two

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1146095984075743672006-04-26T16:55:00.000-07:002006-04-27T10:40:00.536-07:00

You know what pisses me off more than anything? People who misspell my name, Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez. It's not Valdez, it's not Rodrigues, and it's certainly not (my least favorite of all) Alissa!Get that through you your fucking heads if you are going to criticize me!Thank you,Alissa Valdez-Rodrigues

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1146005421297715612006-04-25T15:40:00.000-07:002006-04-25T15:50:58.930-07:00

Being the opportunist that I am, I'm advocating price controls and increased taxation on gas. It really irks me that these capitalists insist on making a profit for their shareholders. I don't care that the price of crude oil, the main component of gasoline, has gone up to unprecedented levels. I fully expect gas refiners to eat the increased prices out of their profits.Psst. I'm sort of

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1145978824004218572006-04-25T08:16:00.000-07:002006-04-25T15:56:40.700-07:00

Hola Chicas. I can't get out of New York fast enough! No wide sky to inspire me... but that's not the real reason I can't leave fast enough.My publisher called and wanted to know why I haven't been able to break 3000 on Amazon after practically a week on the list and why sales were lagging. I told them well, it's not MY fault it can't get beyond 3000, they're the ones that are supposed to

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1145813822109082282006-04-23T10:26:00.000-07:002008-09-29T15:14:27.725-07:00

By now, my darlings, you all know about how I was dissed by the Miami Herald, which refused to do a feature on me and my new book "Make Him Feel Good" despite the fact that it's set in Miami and that I have many Miami readers and despite the fact that I'm a best selling author and one of Time Magazine's 25 most influential Hispanics.Well guess what, they just ran another piece on Val (obsessed

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1145594317665445552006-04-20T21:29:00.000-07:002006-04-21T20:54:16.856-07:00

to shill my book to the chowderheads. Hey I love Boston, having gone to school there and worked there, but seriously that accent is for the birds. And what's with that macho obsession with baseball? Must be some homoerotic symbolism, you know the bat and the balls. Lol!I have mixed feelings about this stop on the book whore tour. I mean this is my element politically. High taxes, inept

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1145490667489173142006-04-20T15:46:00.000-07:002006-05-14T07:47:54.360-07:00

That’s the biggest joke of a nickname I’ve ever heard for a town. The only heat generated in this town is when they burn down a black church or a cross in someone’s lawn.Since my reading/signing got cancelled last night, I scheduled a meet and greet at the same book store. So I get in the cab and tell the driver I’m going to the Borders on Peachtree. He says “which one?” And I answer “There’s

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1145566191125441822006-04-19T21:46:00.000-07:002006-04-20T13:52:28.150-07:00

My book signing tonight was a casualty of idiot Bush's so-called war on terrorism. The airport in Atlanta got shut down because of a "suspicious package" or some other such nonsense. The right-wing wackos are conspiring against me, trying to keep me down. They just don't know how to deal with a strong chica like me so they put obstacles in my way. Of course what did I expect from a place

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1145415695579835382006-04-18T19:48:00.000-07:002006-04-23T21:35:28.716-07:00

Ok, so I get to the signing and I'm still pissed that they don't even have any copies of my book even though I tried to meditate away all the bad thoughts I had in the cab. I'm supposed to read a few paragraphs for the good folks, blah, blah, blah and then sign for a couple of hours. But they set up my reading in the back of the store, in the kids area!I told the manager, "you must must be

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1145403802872960472006-04-18T16:34:00.000-07:002006-04-18T18:53:09.293-07:00

So here I am at Barnes & Noble in Kendall for my big book signing and guess what? They don't have any copies of my new book Make Him Feel Good. Can you believe the incompetence? Didn't somebody tell these dimwits that the The Reina Dirty was coming? This trip is turning into a total disaster. Not only that, I'm hearing that the problem is chain-wide. Why can't people just do their jobs.

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1145391786174956352006-04-18T11:15:00.000-07:002006-04-18T13:55:54.000-07:00

Those fucking bastards at the Miami Herald finally published a blurb about my being in Miami to whore myself out and hopefully sell a few books...But they only listed one of my appearances. These people don't seem to understand the significance of my presence in their backward little town. It's not like one of Time Magazine's 25 most influential Hispanics drops by every day. Don't these people

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1145312951801551992006-04-17T15:15:00.000-07:002006-04-17T16:11:33.616-07:00

So I'm sitting here at Starbucks enjoying my Venti non-fat (I'm watching my figure) Caramel Machiato surfing the net on my laptop. I googled myself, as I am prone to do about 4 or 5 times a day, and I run across something, on a blog that will remain nameless, that really got my panties in a knot.One of the writers at the unnamed blog insinuated that I am a regretful or self-loathing

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1145297584729065432006-04-17T11:05:00.000-07:002006-04-17T11:13:04.766-07:00

Hey my book is down to #22,850 on Amazon today. Those motherfuckers at the Herald haven't helped me one bit. Don't they know that I'm not Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez, one of Time Magazine's Most Influential Hispanics? Those right wing wackos don't know what's coming to them. I'm going to fire my publicist and hire a lawyer. They are discriminating against me because they are sexist xenophobes.

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1145294895029020112006-04-17T10:22:00.000-07:002006-04-17T10:48:06.510-07:00

Hi again! It's me, not Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez, the New York Times Bestselling author and one of Time Magazine's 25 Most Influential Hispanics, writing from the beautiful city of Miami! Well, it would be beautiful if it weren't for all the rabid Cuban exiles here. My flight into Miami International Airport was great. Great, that is, up until the time we landed at Miami International Airport. For

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26278682.post-1145249121600841402006-04-16T21:45:00.000-07:002006-04-17T06:04:53.743-07:00

Well I'm off to Miami for my book signing appearance on Tuesday at Barnes & Noble on Kendall Drive in the Greenery Mall, between Jamba Juice and Jo-Ann Fabrics at 8:00 PM.Wish me luck. I hope none of those dirty skinhead Cuban-American Miami Mafia types show up to question me about lefty views. Those freaking people do nothing but complain about all the stuff that was "stolen" from them.

not Alisanoreply@blogger.com0